My Daughter

If I were to write a book about my life, and things that have happened to me, no one would believe me. So, for now I will just blog.

So, my oldest daughter has been in Greene County Jail for the last 7 months and is accused of murdering my grandson. I spoke with her attorney the other day and she said that the prosecuting attorney is going for the maximum sentence, which is 25 years to life. I understand the severity of this crime, but people don't understand that this is MY child. I miss hearing her voice every day. I miss her stopping by the house just to say hi. I miss being able to give her a hug and tell her that I love her.

If she has to do 25 years, she will be 49 when she gets out, and I will be 66. She wont be the young lady that I know, she will be a totally different person. And I wont be the person that I am today. And this scares the hell out of me. Everything will be so different when she comes home. Gas wont be the same price, cell phones will be different, even the lay of the land will be different. I am so afraid that things will be so different for her when she gets out (if she gets out) that she wont be able to adjust.

Something has to change

I haven't been able to write anything for a few weeks. I have had something eating me up inside and haven't been able to talk about it or think about anything else. My grades are starting to suffer and so is my emotions. I found out a few weeks ago that my fiance relapsed. The only way reason I know about it is because I found it in his car. He has been lying to me for months about it. I knew he wasn't acting like himself, and he was constantly lying to me and was becoming the person he was 3 years ago. When I finally confronted him about it, he had no choice but to come clean with me. He said he was done and it wouldn't happen again. That was a lie. He is still acting the way he was and the lies continue. This weekend I went over to his house and he was with another woman. I know I should leave and not look back but I cant. I am head over heels in love with this man. He said he wants to go to counseling for him and also he wants us to go to counseling so he can find out why he has been treating me so poorly. We have been best friends for ten years and he said that I am still his best friend, but that's how he has been treating me. Like his friend and not his fiance. He claims he is in love with me still and has apologized for hurting me so bad. And he wants to make things right again with us. I want that too, but I don't know if I will be able to trust him anymore. And that hurts.

Today

Today I had to call my sister and tell her that our grandmother had fallen and broke here pelvic bone. My uncle gave my grandmother two options; move into a nursing home our move to Alabama and live with him and his family. She supposedly has chosen to live in a nursing home.

I called my sister and told her this, and somehow we got in a conversation about the economy. She wants to move out here and take care of my grandmother but cant afford to do that. She works for the post office in California and has for over 20 years. They are downsizing out there drastically, and she cant quit here job for fear of loosing her benefits. I think that's where the conversation about the economy came into play. She has a 401k account that she has been putting money into since the day she got hired. She found out that she cant borrow from it for 13 more years because the government has been "borrowing" from it and there is nothing left of it. She is being charged taxes on her two homes that she owns because those houses are not her primary houses (meaning that she doesn't live in either one of them). The cost of living has gone up and the paychecks are  going down. There has been no cost of living raise in a long time.

This scares the heck out of me. As a recovering drug addict, I haven't held down a legal job for 10 years. I have no 401k plan, no insurance, and no way to retire in 20 something years. Its a shame I didn't think about all this when I was in my addiction. And now, at 40 something, I am starting over with nothing and trying to build something out of that. Thank God, as a parent, I have talked to my kids about the importance of school and finding a career instead of just a job. Too bad I didn't follow my own advice.

I Am Blessed

Monday I had to give an informative speech on drug addiction. This should have been a piece of cake considering I am a recovering drug addict and know a little bit about the subject. I did research on it, prepared my outline, typed it up and presented it. I just looked at my grade and I got a high B.

I have been sitting here mad at myself because it wasn't an A. Now, I have never been an A student. I have gone back to school at the age of 41 and I am doing better in school now, than I did in all my years in school. I say I am blessed because I am actually doing something positive in my life and I am pushing myself to do well. Its kind of funny (to me) when I think about how hard I am being on myself over getting a B. If that is the worse thing going on in my life on this day, then I truly am blessed.

Texting

Earlier today I called my fiance to see if he was going to come over. He didn't answer his phone, so I sent him a text, and he responded immediately. That got me thinking. We text more than we talk. It seems like that's the way it is with almost all of my friends too. Texting seems to be easier. But it also seems to take away from the intimacy of a relationship. When I say intimacy, I am not talking about sex. I'm talking about human contact, hearing the friendliness of someones voice, or being able to tell someones mood that is on the other line. It use to be that when someone would call me, I wouldn't have to look on caller ID to see who was calling. I always recognized the voice on the other end of the line. Earlier today, my sister called me, and I didn't recognize her voice, because we text more than we talk. How sad is that? My own sister! I think we are all in such a hurry that we dont take the time to appreciate the little things. For me, the little things are hearing a friendly voice. Or an unfriendly voice!

I am not

I am not the same person I use to be.
I am not stupid.
I am not blind.
I am not vulnerable.
I AM NOT YOUR DOOR MAT.
I am not a bad person.
I am not a bad mother.
I am not a bad daughter.
I am not to be treated with disrespect.
I am not to be talked down to.
I am not to be made a fool.
I am a better person than I use to be.
I am smarter than you think.
I can see clearly now.
I am invulnerable.
I AM NOT TO BE WALKED ON.
I am a good person.
I am a good mother.
I am a good daughter.
I am to be respected.
I am no less than you.
I am no longer foolish.
I am me. I love me, and I love who I am becoming. If you can't love me, it's your loss, not mine.

Step 2

I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

Sanity. There's that word again. Yes my life was insane, I already admitted that. But restore it to sanity? What the heck does that mean? Live life like normal people? This should be interesting.

Restoring my life back to "normal" has been a process. It has taken a lot of time, but it's slowly becoming a normal life for me. I am the best mother, daughter, aunt, niece, cousin, sister and granddaughter that I can be now. I am back in school continuing my education and I am seeking work. Work is the hard one. I cant pass a back ground check with a drug felony on my record. People don't seem to consider that I have been clean for 18 months, and that I'm not the same person that I use to be. I shouldn't say that. My family and friends know that I am not the same person that I use to be, and I'm glad I have them there for me, but that doesn't change the fact that I still need a job. And I know I cant blame anyone but myself for the drug charges. I did what I did, and there is nothing I can do to change it. Well there is one thing...DON'T DO IT AGAIN!